i hate myself because.........

im fat

i hate myself
cuz im skinny

these are the deep dark affirmations that so many women and men around
this world silently and sometimes confidently verbalize aloud to themselves
and their loved ones and strangers for that matter.

i can honestly say i have never hated myself for my
junk in my trunk but there have been times when i have felt
very overwhelmed and uncomfortable physically and emotionally because
of my weight.

i first began to notice weight gain after a loss of a long love affair

i blame the gain on drinking several 40z and smoking the herbs
that caused the chain reaction of burritos and sweets.

there was a brief period tho ...when i put myself together, put my big girl panties on and got my
stuff together. sobered up , stopped smoking and worked on my heart ache

and again...the longing for my old love started creeping back.
so i said to myself screw these big girl panties im sad, im hurting, i will never find a love like that again...(poor me)(and so not true)
soo..........

i started drinking and smoking heavily this time. the actions i made during this time are ones that make my heart (ache!!) and ones that im
positive have made lasting scars on my subconsious.
Yowwzie thank the Lord for Kundalini Yoga.

any ho... my point in this blog is i wanted to give a short example
of how i started my weight gain... and the cycles that brought on this gain.....for me it was suppression...i didnt want to feel.. cuz well
feeling... just hurt. so i ate and i drank.

now i know MANY are on the other extreme of starving themselves...
like the ache they feel within themselves isnt troubling and painful enough.

SOME cause more physical pain
by eating but then exercising to the point of punishment for eating. a vicious cycle of self abuse.

its painful that so many of us are hurting and have
began punishing and harming ourselves with one of the
most beautiful gifts on this planet. FOOD.

food is great i love it. and i am grateful.
but i also
realize the connections of abuse with it.

i feel one of the biggest
steps towards healing is being honest with ourselves about what our
relationship with food is.

the first step is self honesty.

are u abusing urself with food?
by lack of? are u eating but secretly abusing urself for eating and
exercising crazy to not gain one single pound? for nourshing yourself?
are u just not eating?

are u eating not for hunger but in order to gain that numb feeling?
do you feel like ur to fat but actually are at normal weight and height for your age and size? so u skip meals?

these are not healthy behaviors as i am sure u know.
and i suppose i am listing this blog in hopes that someone
out there comes across this
recognizes this... in themselves perhaps... and seeks help.

health is vital for true happiness and full healing.
help is out there.

U deserve happiness... health and healing.

i am going to add a euro tv show that i have become a fan of




several of these shows can be watched on youtube.
if you find it interesting.

i will continue to write about my journal of health and healing
i hope this was helpful
or at least insightful to the in and outs
of more people than you know.

please try and be kind to those u know. u never know what
they are secretly struggling with.

may you be bless on this day

i fell in love with a dead boy

i became a fan on anthony hegarty very recently
and the above posted video. i am very fond of

his/her (a very androgynous being-and this is my attraction as well)
i find the voice backed up by a full orchestra
touching.

i have played this song several times and several times
there has been moments of falling
even a feeling of floating.
yet in that falling i felt suspended in a bubble of peace

if only us as our current human being-ness
accepted all walks of life..androgynous, lesbian, straight, meat eater
yoga lover, vegan snacker ,gangster rapper.

i get stuck in the potential of our beings

upon walking a path of a teacher of kundalini yoga

i find this technology so welcoming so healing.
the message that seems to be so clear is you are God
everything
in the universe resides within you.

you need no acceptance from others: (from church, from state)
you are perfect as you are .
all you do need is acceptace of yourself.

your goal as a child of truth:
is
being of total love
healing forgiveness and kindness to yourself

having lived in a lesbian relationship for several years of my life
i found that the community of lgbt need this message.

this technology of kundalini yoga is a tool an awakening a healer

to abuse yourself because your different????
you were born with a male body but find urself to be a soul of a woman.
great! more power to you for having the power to be honest with
yourself which says so very much.

today this post is dedicated to all my lesbian, gay , transgendered, bisexual sisters and brothers...may you stand in your truth with
courage. May you know u are respected by Me and have My heart
and love pumping out to you...Congrads on being YOU~!!!!!

let church and state continue to be church and state
and you just continue being courage, strength and the truth!

Bless U
everyday

the rise and fall of the tides.......

the snaps included in this post
were taken during a full moon
while standing barefoot in the high desert..

today i reflect on changes

the highs the lows
i am walking upon a path of healing
yet
there are times when i feel like the dust that
gathers on things that stand still

i have thought many times while walking upon this journey
how can i be a yogini?

i

the tripped out bass head that was
covered in enough glitter i could of covered many world
over and i did
(in my mind at least)

i realize now i come with the experience of flaws
or knowings of acid filled nights
blunt rolled reasonings
love lost
friendships broken
addictive behaviors
betrayals endured and survived

i contain a  knowing someone coming from a place of
growing up (in a spiritual family)
and followed all the rules of sobriety and rightful living
may not have faced or better lived.

so i come to you in knowing and sharing
change is good and
change opens doors

healing is so very possible
and so very close
all you have to do is jump.

and bow your head to your heart
u deserve this
happiness this healing

with these words being written i share

the meditation for healing yourself and others


sit in easy pose (crossed legged) or in a chair with spine
straight. Bend your elbows and place them by your sides,
slightly in front of your ribs. Place your forearms
straight up and bend your wrists away from you so that your flat
palms are facing upward.
close your eyes, hold the posture, and vibrate the following
mantra: RA MA DA SA-SA SAY SO HUNG
(sun, moon, earth , infinity-totality of infinity i am thou.)

continue chanting this mantra for 3-11 minutes. to end the meditation, inhale and suspend your breath briefly, and exhale. repeat this breath sequence twice more relax.

Benefit: you are that which they call the universe.
(meditation can be found in the book: a woman's book of yoga, by: Michelle Seibel and Hari Kaur Khalsa)
May you be bless

and in the beginning

she began..


she inhaled...
and jumped.........................





join me if you wish
to read the tales of
a girl. a junglist .a raver. a lover of pretty things.
a lesbian. a straight person. a divorcee.

an outsider.
looking in.

but then again on that parallel tip
an insider
looking in.
deeply
looking in.


a adventurer. a traveler. a window opener. a Goddess.

a yogini.

a junked out tripper turned straight edge breather.

a poet. a photographer. a music lover.
a teacher. a estastic dancer.
a happy loving hipped out chola.
a west (sider).
a lady unfolding...............

may you be bless in all your happenings.......

and thank u for joining me
in a new chapter of this
unfolding....